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Do we matter to them? If so, an image of ourselves as worthy and lovable is reflected back to us, and we begin to integrate it into a positive self-image.
Children who lack this reflection experience heartbreak and grieve alone, because the adults they would normally ppart their inner worlds with are the very people they feel hurt by. As adults, many of them end up in marriages that resemble their childhood. Perhaps without realizing it, you sought out what felt familiar to you from your childhood—the pain of feeling helpless and alone.
Early on, when the sexual problems became apparent, how did you and your husband talk about them? Sexual issues can stem from so many causes: health problems, stress, poor communication, medication side effects, a history of abuse, trauma, blac body image—and all of these are tangled up with feelings a person has around being wanted and loved, and feeling connected to someone else.
As you think back to how these interactions went, do you feel parg you were a true partner in working through this issue together, or did you feel so personally injured, so much like the helpless victim in this story, that you framed this as something that your husband needed to work out alone? But not everyone was ready for her relationship with Tumelo.
It started with a mass exodus from the wider family Whatsapp group. At first Ithra didn't know what had happened.
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It had been almost three months. Find out more Viewers in the UK can watch lovfr television documentary, made with Yousef Eldin for Our World, on the BBC tkme "I try to explain to Ithra that my mother's resistance comes from her experience during apartheid," Ithra's mother Rayana tells me the next day, from her bright airy kitchen that sits on top of a hill overlooking Joburg. Ithra and her four sisters mill around in the background, speaking over each other as loking cut fruit, boil tea and flip pancakes, in an almost synchronised dance that enables them to avoid bumping into each other.
My parents wouldn't have stepped into a black person's home. As she's describing how she campaigned against apartheid, alongside black activists, there's a sudden screaming from upstairs.
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Ithra's sister Taleah emerges at the bottom of the stairs. Cape Town!
The news came with a 'they'," Rayana exclaims. Ithra and Tumelo have received the news that they have secured junior doctor placements in the same hospital - over 1,km away in Cape Town.
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Rayana, overwhelmed, suddenly breaks down in tears. Until now Ithra and Tumelo have lived at home, supervised by their families. But soon they will be moving away together to a new city.
While she has always been supportive of her daughter dating a black guy, something suddenly feels different. There might be a future between Ithra and Tumelo, and that's maybe what it is," she hesitates. I always encouraged the girls to be open about everything.
And now it's a relationship. With a black guy. How open am I really?
We're gonna get roasted! Ithra and her sisters - who have now made their way from her bedroom where they were huddled over a mzle waiting for the junior doctor posting - worry that their mother's honesty about race may be received badly, especially on social media, when this story is published.
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It sits differently. I remember being so angry with my parents and my grandparents for not doing something fir it. How could we be part of such a cruel and unfair system - and you allowed it? Now when you have that kind of purpose, of course I'm going to have kids that I've raised that are free of that reality but I'm also human and I come from a certain community so it does go deeper.
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Grandpa Ashraf, in a wheelchair, wears a traditional Islamic thobe and cap. His wife asks me to sit next to her on the leather couch as I ask why they haven't spoken to their granddaughter for months. It wasn't their choice not to ppart, they say, it was Ithra's.